Each buffet restaurant should have food police standing guard to help those of us who can't help ourselves. Just the officer's presence in front of the food would be a deterrent for most diners. But, for those of us that need just another bite of that macaroni and cheese, or just one more hot buttered roll, or maybe just a little something sweet, the policeman could whip out his billy club and beat us back to our chair.
If things really got ugly, and I ..... I meant someone else, could out maneuver the food cop, jump around him and lets say, grab a chicken leg, there would always be the taser. Holding a metal fork in your hand while being tased could be one way to lose your appetite.
The problem I have with buffets is the food is never ending. As soon as one of the food items starts getting low, out comes another vat to replenish the supply. This does not compute in a brain that says eat until it's gone. You just can't eat the food down... I know, I've tried.
I had an experience at a local buffet restaurant that has cured me of ever wanting to go to an all you can eat restaurant again. Several years ago Richard and I decided to try the new restaurant in town. It was a national chain that rhymed with "Olden Morale", only it didn't do a lot for either of our morale's.
Richard and I walked into the crowded restaurant and looked around. There was so much food, I couldn't see the end of it. In one restaurant you could eat yourself around the world. They had Italian, Mexican, American, Chinese, Japanese, Schezwan and food that could not be categorized, much less identified.
It was complete chaos because there were so many people walking back and forth to the food bar. People had a plate in each hand and were reaching over each other to get food and then dodging each other to get around and get back to their table. It looked like feeding time at the zoo.
There were very few couples or small groups sitting at tables. Most of the patrons appeared to be in herds. They must have had their whole families with them.... moms, dads, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins twice removed.
A lot of them looked like they had left their house in the woods to come to the big city for a day on the town. Some were in need of a hair brushing, a shave and possibly a good scrubbing in the bathtub. There were a couple of them that could have eaten a lot faster if they only hadn't lost most of their teeth. Let's just say I think I heard banjo music playing in the background.
Richard and I decided to stay and give it a try because we were there and we could at least say we had officially tried it. We sat down while our waiter was getting our drinks. I wanted to sit and scope out what area of the buffet I thought would be the least risk of being stabbed by an eating utensil.
I finally got the nerve to make a run for it. I grabbed a plate, quickly put some food on it and sprinted back to the table. I was so unnerved by it all, I'm not sure what food I actually put on my plate. I just sat there staring and watching.
Sitting next to us was a family of about 10 or 12 people. They looked like they had been there a while. They were sprawled out in their chairs and appeared so comfortable, I don't think they had any intention of leaving any time soon. I can only assume they were either staying there until they were hungry again or the next meal, which ever came first.
Several children were running around the tables screaming and playing. The grandma and mother (or mothers... it was hard to tell) had no qualms about continually yelling at the kids to sit down. At one point I looked up to see one of the kids coming out of the bathroom. His pants were around his ankles as he penguin walked to their table. Of course the yelling started all over again and the bare bottomed little boy began crying at the top of his lungs and threw himself on the floor in a fit.
I don't remember if I ate anything or not... or blinked... or breathed. It was like watching a train wreck, horrible, yet oddly entertaining.
Who knew we were going to get dinner and a show. I don't think I'll be going back for the second act. I'm retiring my buffet pants.
Pigs to the trough I tell ya! Best diet therapy of the day. Thanks Brenda!
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