Airline Angst

Richard and I recently returned from our 30th anniversary trip to Maui. The time we spent there was wonderful, but flying there and back home again are stories in themselves.

I had spent the week before we left carefully going over all the security list of items that have to go into the checked luggage and what is allowed in a carry on. The security measures are tight and I was already worried about the crazed look I normally have on my face. So I did not want anything else to attract the attention of airport security.

The morning we left, I put on my makeup and fixed my hair. I then put my cosmetics and arsenal of hair products in my suitcases. Richard loaded up the car and we headed to the airport. After we parked the car in an extended stay parking lot, took the shuttle to the airport, and got our bags checked through, we were ready to go through security.

I knew the airports had randomly started doing full body scans and pat downs, so I was slightly expecting to be tackled and put in a headlock for the small bottle of antibacterial lotion that I remembered was in my purse.

As I watched my carry on bag and the bins with my shoes, jacket, purse, laptop, etc. go down the conveyor belt, I tried not to make eye contact with the security people. Just as the last bin had disappeared into the scanner, I heard a man call out, "Who has the red bag?" I reluctantly said it was mine, as I held my wrists up, ready to be handcuffed and thrown in airport prison, never to be heard from again.

The security officer brought my suitcase to me and asked, "Do you have liquid in here?" Uhhhhhh... was all I could get out. "Ma'am, open the bag." I unzipped the bag and there laying right on top of everything else was my can of hairspray. The man picked it up and said I could not take it on the plane because it was too big. He said I could take it back to the car, or go back to where the checked bags were and put it in there, or he could throw it away.

I'm sure most of you don't understand the trauma I was feeling at that very moment, and you're not alone, Richard didn't understand it either. I know it's just hairspray, but it's the one brand of hairspray I like and can depend on to keep my hair where I put it. My hairspray and I are very close.  

My hair never left the '80s when every girl had big hair and didn't leave home without her trusty can of hairspray. I could feel Richard looking at me as I choked out the words... "Juuust th..throw it away." Richard trying to calm me immediately said, "We can buy you some more when we get to Hawaii." Nooooo you don't understand! They're not going to have it there and I'm going to have a terrible hair week.

I went over and threw myself through the metal detector hoping that my hard feelings did not show up in the scan. I think they were hoping the alarm didn't go off either because then they would have to deal with the crazy lady who had been sniffing too much hairspray some more. The strange look on their faces told me they were ready for me to move along.

Our flight was on time and we were finally ready to board the plane. I like sitting next to the window so Richard had made sure to book the seats accordingly. We got on the plane and were stowing our bags in the overhead compartment, when a lady got out of her seat and started pushing our bags around.

Without even looking at us she said she had a telescope in her bag and she was going to put it in between our bags so it would be protected. She positioned the bags to her liking and promptly went and sat down... in my seat. At this point the plane was filling up and we were blocking the aisle, so I just rolled my eyes and took the middle seat.

The airplane took off and we were trying to get as comfortable as you can get in seats designed for miniature people. I looked over at the window seat and the lady had put down her tray and was reading a book on bird watching... hence, the telescope.

She actually did look like a bird watcher. She was travelling alone, and had on an odd print button up shirt with a strand of beads, her pants were too short, and to finish off the ensemble, socks with sandals. The only thing missing was a pair of binoculars dangling from her neck.

It wasn't long before I thought I would use my time wisely, and do my Bible study lessons. I put my tray down, using it as my desk. The bird lady shut her bird watching book, and pulled a sandwich and an orange out of her purse. The sandwich looked like white bread, mayonnaise and tomatoes, and it was dripping all over the place.

Not wanting to get tomato juice slung on me and my workbook, I moved a little more toward Richard. After her sandwich was gone, out came the orange. As soon as she stuck her thumb in the top of the orange to break it open for peeling, a squirt of orange juice hit me right in the arm.

I'm now just pretending to do my lesson and watching her out of my peripheral vision. She breaks her orange into segments and as she takes that first bite... yep, another squirt landed on my cheek. I wiped it off, but I don't think bird lady had any idea anyone else was on the plane but her.

The stewardess approached our row of seats and asked if we would like anything to drink. Richard and I got a Coke and bird ladies drink coffee... with cream... and sugar. Since bird lady was by the window everything had to be handed to me to give to her. First came the cream and sugar, and then the small paper cup of hot coffee was handed to me.

I took the coffee and was carefully moving it toward bird lady when she reached up to get the cup. The fumbling of her trying to take the coffee cup out of my hand, made some of the coffee spill onto my white shirt. She did offer me a napkin, but I could have also used some burn ointment, Tylenol, and something stronger to calm my nerves.

I decided to focus back on my Bible study now that she was through with her lunch. Again, I saw bird lady out of the corner of my eye stuffing her sandwich wrapper, orange peelings and trash into her empty coffee cup. Before I could blink, she took her cup of trash and said, "I'm going to put this right here", as she moved my book over and put her trash on my tray.

Bird lady then put her tray back in the up position, covered herself up with the blanket and pulled a sleeping mask out of her purse. She then pulled the sleeping mask over her eyes, which was upside down, and went right to sleep.

This lady did not just push my Bible study book to the side to put her cup of trash on my tray! I decided she was not only a bird watcher, she was a bird brain. Now that she was asleep, I could get a good look at her.

Then the idea hit me, this is blog material! Where is my camera? Richard seeing my excitement while searching for my camera was saying, "Don't you do it... Brenda she's going to wake up... Brenda!" Too late, I was already in my I'm enjoying myself mode.

I was having such a good time taking pictures of myself and bird lady! It was the first time since I had gotten on the plane that I was enjoying bird lady. She was a lot of fun when she was asleep.

The girl across the aisle not knowing we weren't all together, asked if I wanted her to take a picture of us. NOOO!! Thank you anyway... I'm just playing around and being silly. I was shocked back into reality and I slipped the camera back into my purse.

I hope bird lady got to see a lot of the birds she was looking for in Hawaii. I got to see one too. Sitting right next to me on the airplane was the biggest loon I've ever seen.